New Year December 27, 2010

Another year is coming to a close and boy what a year 2010 has been.  I haven’t blogged I see for 8 months and it’s been an eventful 8 months.

I am legally divorced and that was an experience and a half.  It is so emotional to go through and I am sorry to anyone who goes through it.  It wasn’t easy and mourning our lives of 18 years took a lot longer than I thought it would.  Actually I still believe I am still mourning.  I am sad a lot but I am also very emotional these days.

I have met a great man who treats me great as well.  He is kind and sensitive.  He never calls me names and doesn’t hit or push me.  We will be having a baby come May/June.  This was a shocker to us but we are still excited nonetheless.  God apparently has a plan and I will take this blessing.

The kids are great.  We had our first broken bone this month.  Blake broke his thumb.  Sounds simple enough until you mention the growth plate being broke and wow does that complicate things.  Bailee is great and dancing away her school year.  Beau is ornery as ever and I think I need to take some parenting classes to get a hold of him.  I have no idea how he can be so different from the other 2.  Maybe he is more like his stubborn mom.

Well that is all for now.  I am glad I remembered I was here, as I think I need to be blog more and use it as my therapy.

A day in my life April 7, 2010

I at times wonder if my life will ever be drama free.  I sit here and contemplate why I care so much if Cody will be a good dad to his kids.  I talk him into taking them to dinner for his birthday since he didn’t want them after school.  I suggest dinner and he thinks he can work that out.  He shows up an hour late but at least he comes.  The kids made him cards and we got him a gift card.  Never mind he didn’t acknowledge Easter for the kids.  He never even got Bailee a card for her birthday.

I am upset that he is out and with someone else and he has the nerve to do so this entire 6 months we have been separated.  We aren’t even legally divorced and he is off gallivanting around.  Why does this bother me?  It is embarrassing to me really.  I get people talking about me behind my back. I know I should not care but I do.  I feel like a loser who failed in her marriage.  A girl who wasn’t a good enough wife or mother to make her own husband want to be with her.  He never appreciated me, he hit me and called me names.  Why then am I still mourning this?  I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that yet in my heart I just feel not good enough.  I apparently didn’t do something good enough. I actually did nothing good enough.  I think he appreciates me now but it’s too late and I am done.  I hate where my life is though.

I hate that I can’t buy the things my kids want, he is off buying horses and new toys but won’t pay for basketball camp for the kids this summer.  He has sworn off 4H for the kids and of course I can’t and I won’t let them down so I am on my own for that and I don’t know jack crap about it but I will find out!  I just hate him yet I love him and I probably always will.  I miss my family and the no drama life I led.  I hate the pain, the tears, the sadness.  I love my freedom, I love my kids and I love my independence and the fact that I am a strong woman!

Everyday is a better day and before long I will be whole again and have the happiness I deserve.

Wow….. April 5, 2010

Wow…that is all I can come up after I saw how long it has been since I last blogged.  Life after my foot surgery was uneventful until recently when my life has been full of stupid drama.  Let’s take a look back at the past year.

March 09 ~  Bull sale.  After working hard long hours everyone goes out for dinner drinks and a lot of drinks.  I leave since I have to work the next day and my husband shows up at 5 a.m.  I started getting texts at midnight saying he was dirty dancing with a friend of mine.  Everyone thought it was very inappropriate and then they left together.  I never thought a thing about it.  I figured she was taking care of him since of course she was my friend right????  Well of course as the days went on I realized that maybe she wasn’t my friend after all. He insisted on nothing happening and we started doing quite a bit with her husband and kids.  It was good.  Cody has never really had a lot of friends so I thought this was good.  A couple we get along with.

April 09 ~ Easter is hosted by me.  My mom, sister and her family and our couple friends come out.  We were having a lot of fun.  Then I realize that my husband and my friend go to look at the cows by themselves…WTF???  I am pissy but I leave it alone cuz they would never do anything when we are all right outside, right?  No one will ever know.

May 09 ~ I try to get Cody to do some of the year-end deals with me at school.  He says so but picks fights and so we don’t go.  I am accused of putting everyone ahead of me and not being home.  What???  Okay I get invited to do a lot, he never wants to come with me.  It’s like he is embarrassed of me and has been all along, or so I feel.  He says no but doesn’t do anything to change how I feel.

June 09 ~ Softball starts, the kids are old enough to stay home for a while by themselves.  They have been drug around to softball since each one of them was tiny.  I felt that their dad was home and they didn’t  want to go they didn’t have to.  He hated this, and I find out why.  My friend again happens to go and ride her horse to our house and apparently they didn’t like it when the kids were there.  I am accused of doing loads of crap and number one not being a good mom.  WHAT??  I don’t think Cody liked it when the kids told on him, and I asked her to play softball after she asked, yet she couldn’t find time.  It’s cuz she was at my house with me gone.

July 09 ~ Not working and playing softball.  I go to tournament in  a neighboring town.  I was not allowed to stay the night there even though I had my kids and my mom with me.  The last day the kids did stay home, they don’t love to watch days and days of softball and so my mom and I went.  I was in trouble for not being home that day to cook dinner.  Wow, really and what has Cody done with the kids for the past 12 years?  My mom was not impressed.  I was not surprised.

August 09 ~ The year-end league softball tourney here in town.  I asked my family to come watch and I was told, not only no, but hell no!  Then I go out to pick up the kids, and I find out that their dad lied to them and told them I didn’t want them there?!  WTF??!!!  Since when?  Where is the man I married?  He has been a jerk off and on but this many months is driving me batty!

September 09 ~ I am accused of lots of different things with lots of different people.  I get home at 6 and am in trouble, never mind that our daughter had dance til 5:30 and it takes 20 minutes to get to the house.  Wow!!!!

October 09 ~ Things go from bad to worse.  We don’t get a long at all.  I am so done with being torn apart little by little by the person who is suppose to love me the  most.  I was told I was being investigated by Cody’s boss and his sister?  Who does this and why would people meddle?  I go to a candle party at a friend’s house and was told if I went it was over.  Fine by me, I went to the candle party.  I don’t care what I am being accused of, I was a prisoner in my own house.  Always trying to prove I wasn’t doing anything wrong, making sure I was always seen….what kind of life is that?

November 09 ~ The kids and I move out.  Cody helps cuz I make him. I don’t want anyone else involved in our problems.  He then decides he wants to be a husband and father and do things as a family.  Kind of late now.  My attitude was lets see what happens with this separation.  He takes the kids for turkey day and that was hard but I am realizing by the end of the month that I am ok by myself and I don’t really mind.

December 09 ~  We decide to spend Christmas in WY with my family.  How nice, I love to be with my family on the holidays and it doesn’t happen a lot due to Cody being to busy to do so.  It was nice until the next day and his parents are demanding to take the kids with them to MT and Cody is all for it.  What??  I have to drive right past his sisters on the way home and I can’t just drop them off?  I knew they wanted to dig for information from the kids.  I was so glad at this moment that Blake had his cell phone, he texted me the whole time!

January 2010 ~ Ring in the new year!  I am still unsure of 2010.  Cody has hooked up with someone else and I am now just done and we are getting a divorce and no one can change my mind.  I am done. I am done with the controlling.  I realize that every time he calls I do not need to answer the phone.  I will be in trouble but I am done with it.  It’s fairly liberating.  I do a lot of soul searching this month.  I hear a lot of what he is doing, I know a lot of people in this town since I work at the school and I just ask that he is careful who he surrounds our kids with.

February 2010 ~ Our daughter turns 11 and does he get her a bday present, NO!  I offer to sign his name to the card if he helps me financially to get her more things since it’s from both of us, does he do this…NO!  He is out all the time with different people so I sit the kids down and tell them that dad and I will never live together again.  Our older 2 seem fine with everything.  Blake’s counselor even asked what has been different since he is doing so well.  I tell her and realize how hard our fighting was on the kids.  Blake worried about me and my safety all the time.  How could I put my kids through this?  Maybe I am a bad mom.  Maybe having 2 parents isn’t always the best for kids.  More soul searching!

March 09 ~ Filing my papers to get divorced, so sad and more soul searching.  The kids are good.  I let myself have some fun and not worry about what Cody will say or think.  He has moved on, and so should I!  I have been with him my whole adult life and I need to do somethings for myself.  I do and I feel good.  Financially it’s hard to provide for the kids but things other than that are great.  I get reconnected with a friend I met last summer.  There are so many coincidences, if you believe coincidences happen.  I feel like I never have before.  He is kind and sweet and seems to really care about me. I am doubtful since I realize I have been an abusive relationship for 17 years.  Abusive verbally, emotionally mentally and physically.  I am getting better and stronger every day.  I find out for sure that my suspicions from last year about my friend and husband were true.

April 2010 ~  I am happy to be me.  I am sad at times, I miss my family but I don’t miss being called a bitch every day.  I am sad that my kids are realizing they can’t count on their dad.  I realize that I have great friends and you find out who they are when you go through these tough times.  I will be ok!  I needed to know I am fine by myself and that I am a strong person, not one pretending to be.  I am fine knowing I don’t have a perfect life and I don’t have to pretend anymore.  I feel more settled and at peace.  I have a long way to go.  My papers aren’t filed yet but will be soon and when I end this chapter of my life I know a new one will begin.  I have mourned my marriage and how perfect with spring on its way….new life!!!!

I’m Home November 14, 2008

Surgery went well, and we came home yesterday instead of today. The dr took out a bone that he called a Boon and Crockett bone. I had no idea what that meant so if any of you do…awesome. It was the size of a quarter and was floating around. He thought it was attached so as far as grinding it out that wasn’t necessary. He also cut the tendon to relieve my Tarsal Tunnel syndrome. The bone was rubbing on the same tendon that he cut so he was able to fix both issues with 1 surgery!

I am sore and hate being laid up like this. Hubby is off to work today, kids will be off to school in a bit and I will be left to fend for myself I am thinking. I am trying to be creative on how to take a shower without getting everything all wet. It will be interesting I am sure. I have a ton of questions for the nurse/doctor today. My dear hubby didn’t ask any questions and the nurse pushed me right out the door so now I am in pain where I am not sure I have an incision, and it feels like I am bleeding and I am thinking that is not good. Otherwise things are good and the kids are being so helpful. Although Beau won’t come near me. Maybe by tomorrow. This will help his independence I hope. We have realized just how spoiled that little one is.

Surgery November 11, 2008

Surgery is slated for tomorrow morning.  I need to be there at 7:30 AM.  I was hoping Cody and I could’ve left early so we could catch a movie and dinner but that doesn’t look to be the case. 

I had a melt down on Saturday.  I hate asking anyone for help especially when I talk to them it doesn’t seem like they are at all excited or willing to help.  It’s more like out of necessity and bragging rights.  My mom teased me with the fact that she thought she could come to our house (yes it’s a 5 hr trip) to babysit our kids for a couple hours in the morning and evening.  Then she calls the very next day, although I appreciate the prompt response, and says no that she can’t swing it.  She hasn’t hardly helped me out since I moved out when I was 18.  My sister watched the kids when I had the kids, although my mom lived in the same town.  She did come up to help me with Blaker when I had him.  He is now 10 almost 11.  I was so let down and upset and Cody doesn’t understand why I let this get to me.  I don’t know either.  It would’ve made things so much easier for me and the kids to all be together and in their own beds.  Now, I bet I come home to cranky kids. 

I will be reaey to come home, I already am.  Watching Blake get more stressed by the day has bothered me about going.  Our little Chip dog has been missing for 2 days now and it doesn’t look promising about finding him.  Maybe today though.  Blake is worried about me I know he is.  He is trying to be tough but it’s not working very well.  I hope to say bye to him and he be okay and willing to help with his little brother.  Beau doesn’t care at all.  He is looking forward to his first sleep over!  He is loving it!  Bailee will be fine, she is a strong independant little gal! 

I am off to get my day started. I did schedule a pedicure with the help from a gift certificate, if I can’t wear makeup (which anyone who knows me, knows I will put foundation on) I will have pretty toes.  At least they are cutting my ankle, my toes won’t be affected!

The Latest November 10, 2008

I have 3 days and counting until I go into surgery to fix my foot/ankle.  I am so anxious about this.  Cody and I haven’t left the kids in 4 years.  We went to Vegas in Dec 04!  The kids stayed with their Aunt Netty and I didn’t really have to worry about anything.  Now they are staying with friends which I feel I will owe for them doing this for me. 

 

I will hear about how much they helped me for here on out.  In the words of my hubby..who cares?  I do sadly, but I don’t have much choice.  It’s amazing to me how often I helped them with no complaints attached, but this will be different.  It will be one person who will have 1 of my children that everywhere we go, including my place of employment in which I will hear ” I had to take her kid and I was so helpful, I fed and made sure the homework was done etc…” Let’s never mind the fact that my kids hardly talk (except for at home) they eat like birds and they will be in school all day.  I appreciate the help and I will try not to care whether or not I have to hear about it. 

 

At least I won’t have to worry about any of our kids being taken good care of because they will be.  I do owe these people I consider friends who are helping me out!  I don’t know how to repay them at all.  Do I make meals for them since they are feeding our kids?  I have no clue how to repay in situations such as these. 

 

I am a little anxious about this surgery and pray that I will be pain free but will my foot and ankle be better, worse or the same?  I guess time will tell.  They will be taking out an extra bone I have in the back of my ankle that rubs on the tendon that runs from the calf to the big toe, along with that they will be able to fix my Tarsal Tunnel.  That is why I am hoping to feel like a whole new woman! 

 

That’s it for the update from me!  I hope to be better about posting on a more regular basis.

Update September 19, 2008

I am terrible about keeping up with blogs.  I just am having a hard time finding the time after I want to check my emails and just the general internet stuff.  I have been spending a bit more time on the computer due to the fact that I joined Self.com fitness tracker.  I have decided I am going to stop this muffin top I am getting.  I am seeing love handles and a pooch to my tummy.  This has never happened to me so I am wondering why now when I am doing all these things that are so good for me.

I quit smoking 3 months ago, I feel very good about it yet I miss it at times. I have been particularly stressed and it’s wearing on me and that is where I miss that cig.  I have also been faithful about my workouts for the past 3 months.  Doing the 30 day shred from Jillian Michaels which still kicks my ass and I started that in June.  I am not shredded either.  I am thinking I was suppose to do it every day for 30 days, but I don’t.  I do it 3-4 times a week and I call it good.  I started running as well, since everything I read is about doing cardio to lose belly fat.  Running is going good and a good stress reliever for me, however it kills my foot.  Anything at this point is killing my foot anyways so what does it matter?  I figure I am better off killing my foot to make my heart, lungs and the rest of my body healthy.  I am headed back to the dr on the 16th of October and we will see what he has to say about it. 

The kids are well.  I had Blake’s CST/IEP this past Wednesday.  That means I got the results from his Child Study Team report that is done by the school psychologist and we went over his Individualized Education Plan as well.  He has a learning disability and has to go to the resource room for reading.  It was a great meeting even though I hate having them because somewhere along the line I messed his life up for him.   I don’t know where I went wrong but I did.  He is not a content happy child.  He is a perfectionist and it’s so hard to deal with.  To watch and listen to him at times is painful cuz he just can’t be a kid.  The psychologist suggested some counseling to help him deal with that part of his personality and I am checking into it.  I am a little scared the counselor will tell me how I damaged my child by the way I have raised him so far and i am not sure I can handle much more guilt.  If it’s best for him I will do it and say screw it to my pride. 

Beau started kindergarten and he is hell on wheels.  He is doing well and he loves school.  He is doing well.  They go all day every day.  He is pretty tired by the time we get home but it’s not bad, and every week gets better.  Now if I can just get a handle on his behavior I would have it made.  I think he is the hard core definition of strong willed.  He about beats me down but never has done it yet!  Good thing the short guy is so darn cute!

Bailee is good.  She is in 2 dance classes she likes a lot.  School is good for her and she in enjoying being in 4th grade.  She has another male teacher and she has decided that she likes that.  Not many students in this town can say they have had 2 male teachers in their primary grades.  She is so easy going, no complaints, or worries with her as of this moment.

I am off for another day of work!  I ma just glad it’s Friday and we have the weekend. My house is needing some attention that is for sure!  That is our update as boring as it is.  Yet, on the other hand, I like it that way.

It’s Time September 7, 2008

I have decided since I get to actually stay at home today, that it’s time for an update.

August was filled with craziness even though school hadn’t started.  I started working and this school year I have 2 new bosses.  A new principal and a new superintendent.  They are great people and good to work with, I don’t know why I had lost sleep almost the whole week before.  School has since started and things are going good.  Crazy but a good crazy.

The county fair was over Labor day weekend.  It went really well.  This was Bailee’s first year and she did great.  Blake had an awesome fair as well.  He was Grand Champion Showman for sheep and got reserve Grand Champion in poultry showmanship.  He got 2 purple ribbons for his cooking projects and Bailee got a purple and a blue.  Purple being the best, then blue, then red, then white.  That is how the ribbons go.  They get paid a premium for each ribbon they get.  The higher the ribbon the more they make.  they sold their lambs and it was hard to say good bye to Bay (Bailee’s lamb) and Larry the Cable Sheep.  I did remind them how much they made at the sale.  Blake got $8.75 per pound (Larry weighed in at 122 and Bailee got $7 per pound for Bay. (Bay weighed in at 107).  Even though feed was out the roof this year they still made some good money. 

My baby started school this past week.  What a sad yet such an exiting time.  I swear I would never be out of toddler hood, now all my kids are in school all day.  I am thinking of taking a personal day and sitting at home to see how it would be.  I bet I would be sad for the most part cuz it reminds me how much older I am, how so soon my kids will actually be out of my house.  Beau loves school and was quite frustrated when they didn’t use their pencils for like 2 days.  He had just colored and used his crayons and apparently to him that was not what school was about.  I am just happy he is doing well. 

Today marks the day that my dad died 2 years ago.  I can’t believe he has really been gone for 2 years.  I miss him so much, there have been so many times that I would want to call him and be reminded that I can’t.  His death was so premature and I can’t believe that it’s so hard to deal with even after all this time. 

My kids are now beckoning me to help them with their record books…that is the down fall to 4-H these darn record books.  They certainly are a struggle to get the kids to get done.

Uneasy Feeling August 8, 2008

Does anyone else ever get uneasy feelings and aren’t sure why?  I have felt fairly uneasy and cranky for almost 2 weeks now.  Last week I couldn’t sleep and I thought it was nerves because I started work this week with a new boss.  I am still feeling uneasy and I can’t put my finger on it.

I have thought about this a lot, and it’s fairly distracting.  Am I unhappy with my life?  In some ways yes, I live with my husband who is unhappy in his work, my kids are always fighting and lipping off to me.  I know they are testing boundaries, but dang they will respect me and their father (yes I said father cuz he doesn’t demand it the way I do)  so I parent for both of us.  I have told them I won’t lay off this particular matter so why can’t you just not back talk me?  Not so easy I guess.

I have a job I love, a boss I am getting to know and we will get along well.  So it’s not work.  We don’t own our own home and I don’t know how we ever will.  $100,000 only gets you 1bedroom, maybe 2 and 1 bath….$250,000 will get us more of what we would need…notice I didn’t say want, I said need.  Craziness.  Yes I don’t want the responsibility of my own house.  It’s nice for someone else to fix the things wrong with it with their own money.

I have quit smoking and started exercising a lot more.  I thought being healthy was suppose to make you feel better?  Guess not, although I think about having a cigarette, I can’t make myself actually go and buy one.  Today is 30 days since my last cig and I am very proud of myself, yet still feeling uneasy.

Maybe its the fact I don’t have friends here.  I know lots of people and like a lot of them.  I have friends but they seem to be seasonal, which is part my fault I know.  I have asked several people to go to lunch, go for a drink to no avail.  I was always bad about asking anyone to do anything with me and now I know why. 

I think I will head to Utah to see my bestest friend and hang out and maybe during the drive I can figure it out! I would love to go without the kids but that seems so selfish of me.  Besides our boys are the same age and they would be disappointed.  That is what I am doing with my weekend, should be fun.  A lot funner if I could get past this feeling I would think, maybe by this afternoon I will feel better.

20 Days July 30, 2008

and counting since I quit smoking.  I am so proud of myself.  I have several of my teammates that smoke and I only had 1 puff of a cigarette all weekend. It confirmed I don’t like it!  I have been stressed out and angry and I have wanted to go out and have a smoke bur i fought the urge.  With the tragic death of those 4 young men it made me want to light up since it still makes me so incredibly sad to think about. 

I have saved approximately $40, although you can’t tell in my bank account.  I haven’t gained any weight and I don’t feel any different.  I have been coughing a little this past week which I think seems weird.  I don’t have more energy or less.  I wasn’t less winded playing softball for 6 straight hours on Sunday!    I was hoping for some real results but oh well!  I am not going to pick up the habit again!

That’s all for my horn tooting today!