Wow…that is all I can come up after I saw how long it has been since I last blogged. Life after my foot surgery was uneventful until recently when my life has been full of stupid drama. Let’s take a look back at the past year.
March 09 ~ Bull sale. After working hard long hours everyone goes out for dinner drinks and a lot of drinks. I leave since I have to work the next day and my husband shows up at 5 a.m. I started getting texts at midnight saying he was dirty dancing with a friend of mine. Everyone thought it was very inappropriate and then they left together. I never thought a thing about it. I figured she was taking care of him since of course she was my friend right???? Well of course as the days went on I realized that maybe she wasn’t my friend after all. He insisted on nothing happening and we started doing quite a bit with her husband and kids. It was good. Cody has never really had a lot of friends so I thought this was good. A couple we get along with.
April 09 ~ Easter is hosted by me. My mom, sister and her family and our couple friends come out. We were having a lot of fun. Then I realize that my husband and my friend go to look at the cows by themselves…WTF??? I am pissy but I leave it alone cuz they would never do anything when we are all right outside, right? No one will ever know.
May 09 ~ I try to get Cody to do some of the year-end deals with me at school. He says so but picks fights and so we don’t go. I am accused of putting everyone ahead of me and not being home. What??? Okay I get invited to do a lot, he never wants to come with me. It’s like he is embarrassed of me and has been all along, or so I feel. He says no but doesn’t do anything to change how I feel.
June 09 ~ Softball starts, the kids are old enough to stay home for a while by themselves. They have been drug around to softball since each one of them was tiny. I felt that their dad was home and they didn’t want to go they didn’t have to. He hated this, and I find out why. My friend again happens to go and ride her horse to our house and apparently they didn’t like it when the kids were there. I am accused of doing loads of crap and number one not being a good mom. WHAT?? I don’t think Cody liked it when the kids told on him, and I asked her to play softball after she asked, yet she couldn’t find time. It’s cuz she was at my house with me gone.
July 09 ~ Not working and playing softball. I go to tournament in a neighboring town. I was not allowed to stay the night there even though I had my kids and my mom with me. The last day the kids did stay home, they don’t love to watch days and days of softball and so my mom and I went. I was in trouble for not being home that day to cook dinner. Wow, really and what has Cody done with the kids for the past 12 years? My mom was not impressed. I was not surprised.
August 09 ~ The year-end league softball tourney here in town. I asked my family to come watch and I was told, not only no, but hell no! Then I go out to pick up the kids, and I find out that their dad lied to them and told them I didn’t want them there?! WTF??!!! Since when? Where is the man I married? He has been a jerk off and on but this many months is driving me batty!
September 09 ~ I am accused of lots of different things with lots of different people. I get home at 6 and am in trouble, never mind that our daughter had dance til 5:30 and it takes 20 minutes to get to the house. Wow!!!!
October 09 ~ Things go from bad to worse. We don’t get a long at all. I am so done with being torn apart little by little by the person who is suppose to love me the most. I was told I was being investigated by Cody’s boss and his sister? Who does this and why would people meddle? I go to a candle party at a friend’s house and was told if I went it was over. Fine by me, I went to the candle party. I don’t care what I am being accused of, I was a prisoner in my own house. Always trying to prove I wasn’t doing anything wrong, making sure I was always seen….what kind of life is that?
November 09 ~ The kids and I move out. Cody helps cuz I make him. I don’t want anyone else involved in our problems. He then decides he wants to be a husband and father and do things as a family. Kind of late now. My attitude was lets see what happens with this separation. He takes the kids for turkey day and that was hard but I am realizing by the end of the month that I am ok by myself and I don’t really mind.
December 09 ~ We decide to spend Christmas in WY with my family. How nice, I love to be with my family on the holidays and it doesn’t happen a lot due to Cody being to busy to do so. It was nice until the next day and his parents are demanding to take the kids with them to MT and Cody is all for it. What?? I have to drive right past his sisters on the way home and I can’t just drop them off? I knew they wanted to dig for information from the kids. I was so glad at this moment that Blake had his cell phone, he texted me the whole time!
January 2010 ~ Ring in the new year! I am still unsure of 2010. Cody has hooked up with someone else and I am now just done and we are getting a divorce and no one can change my mind. I am done. I am done with the controlling. I realize that every time he calls I do not need to answer the phone. I will be in trouble but I am done with it. It’s fairly liberating. I do a lot of soul searching this month. I hear a lot of what he is doing, I know a lot of people in this town since I work at the school and I just ask that he is careful who he surrounds our kids with.
February 2010 ~ Our daughter turns 11 and does he get her a bday present, NO! I offer to sign his name to the card if he helps me financially to get her more things since it’s from both of us, does he do this…NO! He is out all the time with different people so I sit the kids down and tell them that dad and I will never live together again. Our older 2 seem fine with everything. Blake’s counselor even asked what has been different since he is doing so well. I tell her and realize how hard our fighting was on the kids. Blake worried about me and my safety all the time. How could I put my kids through this? Maybe I am a bad mom. Maybe having 2 parents isn’t always the best for kids. More soul searching!
March 09 ~ Filing my papers to get divorced, so sad and more soul searching. The kids are good. I let myself have some fun and not worry about what Cody will say or think. He has moved on, and so should I! I have been with him my whole adult life and I need to do somethings for myself. I do and I feel good. Financially it’s hard to provide for the kids but things other than that are great. I get reconnected with a friend I met last summer. There are so many coincidences, if you believe coincidences happen. I feel like I never have before. He is kind and sweet and seems to really care about me. I am doubtful since I realize I have been an abusive relationship for 17 years. Abusive verbally, emotionally mentally and physically. I am getting better and stronger every day. I find out for sure that my suspicions from last year about my friend and husband were true.
April 2010 ~ I am happy to be me. I am sad at times, I miss my family but I don’t miss being called a bitch every day. I am sad that my kids are realizing they can’t count on their dad. I realize that I have great friends and you find out who they are when you go through these tough times. I will be ok! I needed to know I am fine by myself and that I am a strong person, not one pretending to be. I am fine knowing I don’t have a perfect life and I don’t have to pretend anymore. I feel more settled and at peace. I have a long way to go. My papers aren’t filed yet but will be soon and when I end this chapter of my life I know a new one will begin. I have mourned my marriage and how perfect with spring on its way….new life!!!!
