I at times wonder if my life will ever be drama free. I sit here and contemplate why I care so much if Cody will be a good dad to his kids. I talk him into taking them to dinner for his birthday since he didn’t want them after school. I suggest dinner and he thinks he can work that out. He shows up an hour late but at least he comes. The kids made him cards and we got him a gift card. Never mind he didn’t acknowledge Easter for the kids. He never even got Bailee a card for her birthday.
I am upset that he is out and with someone else and he has the nerve to do so this entire 6 months we have been separated. We aren’t even legally divorced and he is off gallivanting around. Why does this bother me? It is embarrassing to me really. I get people talking about me behind my back. I know I should not care but I do. I feel like a loser who failed in her marriage. A girl who wasn’t a good enough wife or mother to make her own husband want to be with her. He never appreciated me, he hit me and called me names. Why then am I still mourning this? I know I don’t deserve to be treated like that yet in my heart I just feel not good enough. I apparently didn’t do something good enough. I actually did nothing good enough. I think he appreciates me now but it’s too late and I am done. I hate where my life is though.
I hate that I can’t buy the things my kids want, he is off buying horses and new toys but won’t pay for basketball camp for the kids this summer. He has sworn off 4H for the kids and of course I can’t and I won’t let them down so I am on my own for that and I don’t know jack crap about it but I will find out! I just hate him yet I love him and I probably always will. I miss my family and the no drama life I led. I hate the pain, the tears, the sadness. I love my freedom, I love my kids and I love my independence and the fact that I am a strong woman!
Everyday is a better day and before long I will be whole again and have the happiness I deserve.
